Toilet Talk

Matt Damon

Its 9 a.m., you arrive to work and your morning cup of java is finally starting to kick in.  You prepare for your mandatory 8 hours of mind-numbing meetings, forced awkward coworker interaction, and day dreams of the nonsense you would participate in if only you had won the lottery last Wednesday. Then, your stomach starts to gurgle like a cauldron.  Hoping it is going away, you soon realize this bubbly symptom is a precursor to “business time”.  You make your way to the closest bathroom.  Busting down the door like the ATF, you commandeer a commode and prepare for expeditious removal of the demon. Settling in to the exorcism, you hear the familiar creaking of a door opening when a voice comes blaring through your ear drums.  Thus begins the toilet chatter that you knowingly avoid but fall victim to due to your current housing location.    Taking the time to learn from this jibber jabber, you listen in to hear the top 5 worst phrases commonly spoken while using the john.


Number 5: “How’s it hanging?”


Gents, you are not Jim Carey, this is not “Liar Liar,” and it most definitely is not 1997!  Needless to say, asking a guy whilst his junk is exposed, “How’s it hanging,” will only land you in the corny category, potentially resulting in lunch breaks being spent in solitary confinement.


Number 4: “This is crappy!”


In relation to crapper-chatter, when is it ever cool to whisper sweet nothings between stalls? Unless your bathroom is set up like the Marines’ bathroom in Jarhead, keep your teeth touching and stay focused on the prize.  As a man, if you are in a stall, you’re taking a number two.  This phrase makes the victim feel slightly disgusted as they are performing their natural duty.   Did I mention that this phrase will also land you in corny category?


Number 3: “Wow. Full House


The phrase “Full House” is in no way, shape, or form, a reference to poker or a popular family T.V. show broadcasted in the 90’s.  This is when a violator makes it his mission to put everyone using the bathroom on high alert that all the stalls are flashing “No Vacancy.”  Obviously beaten to his bowl of choice, he is left to exit the bathroom in search of another free seat.  Often spiteful, this phrase reflects the shunned violators’ frustration and slides them into the next category of, “That Guy.”   “That Guy,” usually refers to a person, who continually does things that will annoy and or piss you off to no end. Commonly mistaking himself as funny, “That Guy” is a habitual offender of most things bathroom etiquette.



Number 2:  “Brr, waters cold.


So, you’re feeling like having a pissing match at the urinal? Be prepared for the guy who feels like the only way to win, the only way to assert his dominance, is to proclaim that the temperature of the water is too cool for comfortable urination.  While perpetuating the idea that our heavenly father used just a little more clay when making him, he is in turn attempting to solicit laughter from you based on his assumption of your inferiority.  This phrase, when said during even flow, spirals down a gauntlet of violations including: soliciting engagement at a urinal while sober, attempting junk joke where junk is exposed, and more serious violation, sharing unwanted knowledge of one’s Cyclops.  Besides, if this were his current situation, being that he could somehow know the knowledge of the water through touch, then that would conclude our violator has bathed his lizard in the waterfalls of a porcelain American Standard.  Gross.



Number 1: “It smells like shit in here”


This is possibly the most annoying phrase used when entering a bathroom. This phrase immediately shoots you up the ladder of idiocy to the high position of Captain Obvious. I won’t bombard you with how idiotic or obvious this is because talking about it is already a waste in it-self.  If this person is going to the bathroom, they should be fully aware of the practical day-to-day uses.  As we all know, taking a shit smells like shit.  The unpleasantness of the scent need not be further discussed.  Basking in “Ode de Refuse” is punishment enough.


Remember gents, we do not live in the 90’s, being “That Guy” is not that good, and being a captain is cool if you are not obvious.  So, move in silence, free yourself of duty and enjoy the relief.

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