Beard 101

You want to grow your beard and/or you’ve started. Well congratul-fucking-ations and welcome to the club. I am a 28 year old man whose had a beard for the better part of 7 years and been growing a good thick one for the past 2 years. To you beard newbies I say welcome to the club, and to you beard veterans I say cheers. On my beard campaign I’ve tried to amass a good amount of information for you beard growers, new and old alike.

Nothing else. How old you are and what hair growing genetics are bred into you will determine your beard growing capability. Let no one ever fucking tell you otherwise. The older you get, the more likely you are to grow a nice thick beard, but if you couldn’t when you were in your mid 20’s, chances are you won’t ever have an epic thick beard. I couldn’t grow a decent beard until I was about 21, so for you late blooming teens, there is still hope.

A lot of questions get asked, like does this look good? What do you think? Should I keep it going? FUCK YES. Keep growing it. At least for 6 months. See how she grows and see what kind of personality your beard will take. It will be the best thing you can do for both of you. Everyone’s beard is different. And everyone’s will grow in different shapes and sizes.

No, it’s not a trend. Even the Vikings traveled the seas and conquered everything with beard oil, and you, as a male in 2015, NEED to take care of your shit and make sure it’s presentable. Beard oil is honestly like crack for your beard and she will thank you for it. Don’t look too much into brands or even what goes into it, most of them have worked well enough for me. I use oil and balm. I put balm in before I go to sleep for deep conditioning and oil in the morning. This may seem backwards to most, but it’s what works for me and you need to figure out what works for you.

I mean you can, but avoid it. Maybe if you get clam chowder in it or something and you don’t want to smell like Red Lobster. Shampoo will dry that shit out, and make it frizzy. If you shampoo, use conditioner as well to help.

My wife is a hair stylist. She has to deal with 100 dudes bringing in pictures of David Beckham, male perfection, and demanding their hair too look like his. Well, tough shit Jr, you don’t have the same hair type as Mr. Beckham. You can’t make your hair type change to EXACTLY match what he has. The same will happen with your beard. You will see 1000 pictures of a ‘sick beard’ when you type that shit into google but it won’t be what yours will look like. Which leads me to…

EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE has a different beard. Find your shape. This is something that even as a beard veteran you will have a hard time coming to terms with. I rarely have beard envy and when I do, it’s usually over someone who has a comp
letely different type of grow/hair type as me. I have a curly, coarse, thick, red beard. So when I see joblo with a slick, straight, shaped beard, of course I get envious. But this was the card I was dealt and I have to deal with them.

Should you trim? Yes. After a good amount of time some of your hairs will be like FUCK THIS FACE, I’M OUT and leave the rest of your beautiful beard high and dry. Well, say peace out those hairs and cut. them. Once you think you found a shape you like, don’t be afraid to trim that beast. Get the fly-always and split ends, both of which are going to be impossible to avoid. Finding a good beard shape and length will help your beard fill in on spots you may have thought weren’t going to originally. I always used scissors and never use my clippers, I’ve always felt it was a safer route than facing a potential fuck up for being a huge spaz.image1-2


Hope some of these tips help you newbies out and cheers my bearded brothers!

Review by Distinguished Ruffian member @Whiskeyfe

One comment

  1. Awesome! Love your approach. I’m growing mine for the first time. Question: wouldn’t the balm get smeared on your face and bedding at night? I don’t use oil or balm at night because of this concern. Any thoughts?


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